Feel
by RvnsDsks
Summary: "Pearl? What are you doing?" She should feel horrified, but she can't feel much of anything anymore. And she's not entirely sure that's a bad thing. Rated T for mentions of smoking and general angsty depression. Now including Epilogue!
1. Numb

**Hey guys! I know I should be working on my other stories, but this idea gripped me and I had to write it. But don't worry, for those of you following, Flightless and The time I spent as a Cat will both be updated shortly! :)**

 **This is just a short Steven Universe drabble inspired by a fan comic. It's meant to be a one shot, but I am willing to write more if anyone desperately wants more. This is my first one shot, and my first Steven Universe fic, so feel free to be picky and let me know how I did.**

 **I do not own the comic this was inspired by, all credit to its owner, whoever that may be! And, as much as I could hope and dream, Steven Universe belongs to the amazing and wonderful human being that is Rebecca Sugar, all copyrights and credit to her and Cartoon Network.**

 **Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this little drabble and I can't wait to hear what you think.**

 **\- Raven**

* * *

She knew she should feel horrified, but honestly, she couldn't quite feel anything anymore. And she wasn't entirely sure she minded that feeling. Feeling numb, all her thoughts and fears and useless _emotions_ taking a back seat, leaving her to drift aimlessly through a comforting hazy buzz. She _should_ feel horrified, and a small part of her actually manages to get a bit of panic through as well; an instinctual what have I done, what should I do, this wasn't supposed to happen like this, this wasn't supposed to happen at all. But then she breathes in the haze again, and the buzz grows stronger, and the panic dies, the numbness mercifully taking over once more.

"Pearl?"

There's the source of the conflict. There in front of her, no, at her back now, a small pink form that is nothing like the one she wanted to see. The one she didn't want to see. The one she desperately needed to see again but the one that she couldn't afford to feel anything for.

"Pearl?"

It comes again, a hitch to the voice, and there's a stirring in her thoughts through the haze, the inherent knowledge that he sounds like he might cry. Or scream. She isn't sure which she prefers, and she curls up tighter in the windowsill, trying to ignore him to little avail.

"W-what are you doing?"

 _What does it look like I'm doing, Steven?_

She regrets the harshness of her thoughts. No, she doesn't. She does regret not having the courage to say it aloud, but courage would involve feeling, and she's had quite enough of that.

"You shouldn't…Pearl, you- you need to…those things can give you…."

"Nothing, Steven."

It's the first thing she's said to him, but she still refuses to make eye contact. Her voice is blank; not Garnet blank, she at least manages to express emotion in her inflections. No, her voice is simply devoid of anything, just a stream of words that pour just like the smoke from her lips.

"These things give me nothing. I'm a gem, gems can't get sick from something like this."

And she wonders, even before he asks it, then why does she do it? To feel numb, to let the smoke fill her and take everything away. She finds it ironic that her usual self, so obsessed with clean and order, would stoop to something like this. But it's not stooping, it's floating, peace and calm that fills her, even if from an artificial source.

"But…it's still a bad thing!"

It is. She breathes again anyway.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!"

She should. She knows she should. But she sighs the smoke out regardless. That instinct part of her that doesn't quite diminish fully hears the intake of breath from the boy behind her, and it tenses as she waits for the outburst, the scream that will surely come. But it doesn't, it's just a breath. A sharp one, but a breath nonetheless. She takes one as well, and sighs into the silence Steven's breath had brought.

"Amethyst has her food, Garnet her video games and me…well, I have these."

She isn't quite sure if the twitch in her cheeks is amusement or just the numbness catching up to her as she states their respective vices, but it is overshadowed by another of Steven's sharp breaths, and she realizes it's not a scream building but tears.

"Mom wouldn't have wanted to see you like this."

It's quiet, but it rings too loud in her head, and something foul is rising in the back of her throat, a stream of words she knows she can't say.

 _It's because of her that I'm like this. It's because of_ you!

She says nothing, because she can't afford to waste the breath to, and there's a high pitch of sound before the screen door creaks and then slams closed. The squeaking pattering of his footsteps are heavy and come in fast repeats as he flees, and she feels -curse the feeling- but she _feels_ the churning of guilt and pain in her gut, and the smoke has turned bitter on her tongue, no longer the sweet relief she had been craving.

She pinches the glowing bud between her fingers, watching the smoke wisps curl upwards and wondering if it was too late to join them. It is too late, and the disappointment sets in. Disappointment because she has a job to do, and she's already failed it. Disappointment because she loves Steven, even if she can't always show it properly. Disappointed because she knows he is right, and that she should be above this but isn't. And disappointment because, in spite of all of it, she will do it again. If only to be free of the weight for just a moment more. The weight of feeling. The weight of living…living when the one thing that had made her whole was gone.

She should be grateful, to have Steven, at least.

She should…but she feels...numb.


	2. Drown

**Hey guys!**

 **So, probably against better judgment, I've decided to continue this story. It will be short, maybe around 5 or 6 chapters, but I didn't just want to leave on a sad depressing note like that. Plus, some ideas came to me, and I decided to go with it.**

 **Lord Razer and Ao Uta, thank you so much for your reviews! I'm glad you both enjoyed it so much and I hope you continue to read and enjoy. :)** **I do not own Steven Universe or the comic this was inspired by! All rights to Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network!**

 **Warning *This chapter, like the one before, contains depression, thoughts of suicide, and hints at some language.***

 **General angsty feels abound!**

 **Hope you guys enjoy, and I look forward to hearing what you think.**

 **\- Raven**

* * *

She is floating alone this time, the hazy waters swallowing her up until she was almost drowning. But it was ok, because she knew how to breathe this water, letting it fill her lungs without panic and pushing it out with calm force. The bud between her fingers was down to a stub and long gone cold, but that was fine too, because she didn't really need it this time. Her thoughts were enough to keep her contained for some time, more than enough of a blackness that she didn't want to bring light to with the spark it would have provided.

She feels bad.

It's stifling, the feeling, and it is the very water that threatens to drag her under. She feels bad because of _him._ Unbidden, her eyes drift off to the side, lifting just enough to eye the empty loft above her. He is gone, but his presence still lingers in every facet of the house, every creak and furrow in the wood beneath her. She isn't sure how long he'd been gone for, (almost three days to the hour) or when he'd left (that Tuesday afternoon), but not having him there is both freeing and constricting.

She wants him back. She loathes the very idea of him. She _needs_ to hear his voice again, to feel his silky curls against her cheek. She wants to drive her spear through his form and watch it shatter. Maybe then she'll get what she truly wants. Maybe then, She will be back, and everything will be as it was.

Her jaw clenches, a low noise rising in her throat that she refuses to let past her lips. A tear burns her eye and she turns her attention back to the window, watching the ocean. She wants to drown. Not this flood of emotions, of _feelings_. She wants to feel the salty mist collect and fill her lungs, wants to feel the pain it will bring when she gasps for breath, to let that release be so much sweeter as the darkness rises up to meet her. True darkness, where on the other side…nothing.

There will be nothing waiting for her on the other side, because She is still here. In him.

Another low noise, but it's distinctly pitched higher, a whimper instead of a moan. Her fingers clench around her knees and she can't. stop. Feeling. It's too much, it's too much, and when the wave breaks over her head she lets it, curling as tightly as she can into herself and shaking. The dead bud falls from her fingers, and the only reason she knows it is because the sudden loss of contact means her fingers are cold. Numb. She's making some kind of sound, she knows it, can _feel_ the echoes of vibration in her skull.

It's loud, though. Too loud.

She realizes belatedly that there had been footsteps, but they had been too quiet to hear over the noises she had been making. But she knows there had been footsteps because there is a presence, and with that presence, a voice.

"Pearl."

A voice that echoes with two. That brokers no arguments. That is both piercing cold and searing hot. It's enough to rouse her, enough to force her head up from between her knees. But it's not enough to contain the water, to keep her from drowning. To make her care enough to meet her gaze.

"This needs to stop."

 _Oh, I agree_ , a part of her says snidely. _But stop how, exactly? Stop what? Because I am more than ready to stop 'this.'_

Her eyes drift out over the water again, and her fantasies drift forward again. Yes, she can stop. She can do that.

"Think of what you're doing to Steven!"

She stiffens, every inch of her body still and taut. Her head jerks minutely as she fights the instinct to whip it around and glare. Her jaw ticks, and she can feel it building inside her. A wild, untamed noise that she turns into a hiss so it doesn't come out the snarl it wants to be.

"What _I'm_ doing to Steven?" She repeats lowly.

"Don't."

It's dark and dangerous, a warning. It's a warning it's a warning and she should listen she should stop she should stop now she should stop right now and.

"Of course, Garnet. Of course I should think about him."

"Pearl."

Stop please stop please stop.

"It's always about Steven, isn't it? It always comes down to Steven and his…"

There's a word. There's a word there, there's a word and it's vulgar and it's dirty and she can't say it she doesn't dare.

"Needs." She finishes in a growl, the word lingering in the back of her mind, at the trough of the wave.

"That's enough, Pearl!"

It's more heat than cold, she thinks at first. But then it hits her and no, it's a so cold it _burns._ There's a chemical…something human scientists used for…something. Nitrogen. Liquid Nitrogen. So cold it burns, and it's there in her voice now, beyond warning, beyond reasoning. She will drown in this chemical, and she isn't sure she knows how to care. Her hands move of their own accord, instinct, habit, the term itself doesn't matter. It's so engrained in her that when a fresh stick of drawn and lit, she breathes without fully knowing that she's done it.

It's an almost audible snap, and something heavy slams into her hand, freezing and stinging with heat all at once. There's a growl, and a dying hiss as it is crushed in a powerful palm, no match for the iron gauntlet that had been the source of its demise.

"This will stop. And it will stop now."

Please please please please.

"Or what, Garnet? What will you do?"

She didn't mean to be so defiant. Yes she did. No, it was just nature. It was what She had done, what they had done together. Just the two of them against the world. Against Homeworld. Defying was at the very core of her being. But it was _hers,_ as well. Even more so considering that it was at the cores of her being, two beings, to be exact.

"Nothing. I won't do anything. You'll do it to yourself."

She hesitates then, a flicker of something unpleasant slipping into her mind. Was that a threat? Was it certainty? Had she Seen it?

She turns to ask, but she is gone, leaving only the soot stained indent in the floor where she had crushed her other bud.

The dying one.

The dead one.

Like Rose. And, like her.


	3. Break

**Hey guys, sorry for the delay in this chapter. I just found out a few days ago that one of my distant relatives passed away in a coma, so it's been a bit hectic for me dealing with that.**

 **This is the halfway point so I tried to make this where everything sort of comes to a head.** **I feel like this chapter isn't quite where I'd like it to be, but you guys can be the judge of that.**

 **I hope you all enjoy, and I look forward to hearing what you think.**

 **Thanks for bearing with me!**

 **\- Raven**

 ***Warnings for this chapter include the standard angtsy depression, mild cursing, dark (suicidal) thoughts, and some drinking***

 **** Realized I didn't do a disclaimer, so had to repost. Whoops! I do not own Steven Universe, those rights go solely to Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network. I also do not own the comic this fic was inspired by, just the story itself!****

* * *

It's Amethyst who comes to her, this time. There's a short, squat glass of some pale amber liquid in her hand, and she throws herself down with little ceremony onto the floor by Pearl's feet. She says nothing, just swirls the glass around haphazardly, creating a miniature whirlpool in the bottom of the glass. Pearl debates silently a moment, listening to the rain pound the outside of the house, then she slides down from the windowsill to join her on the floor, tucking her legs close to her chest and letting the silence hang between them as she fiddles with the thin roll in her hands.

It's obvious enough what the glass contains, if not by the content itself then by the smell; a rich, sharp bitter aroma that makes her want to gag. Instead she grimaces, and lights her own object in an attempt to cover the stench. The small Quartz was more prone to random food binges, but the way she inhales it, it might as well be.

"Is it really necessary for you to do that here?" She snaps, the irritation itching in her chest the first physical thing she's allowed herself to feel for days.

"Why, is it bothering you?"

If it hadn't been clear before, it is now in the slight slur in the rasp of Amethyst's voice, the challenging grin she flashes Pearl that in no way matches the sharpness of her eyes. Pearl bites back her response and instead takes a slow, steady breath, letting the smoke fill her and relieve the pressure of her thoughts. Amethyst is still staring at her, though, her pale lilac hair pulled up for once, making her seem somehow older and wiser than she truly was.

"The smell," Pearl finally manages, turning her head away to peer sideways through the screen door. She isn't sure what the feeling is that is trying to shove its way forward, but it's thick and heavy, painful as it claws at her insides.

Amethyst snorts, but it's muffled, echoing slightly, and Pearl recognizes that she's taken a drink. It's not often that the other gem does drink, preferring soft, fleshy things, or else something that crunches over the sharp burn of the liquid humans call alcohol. It's even rarer for her to drink enough to truly feel it, her shifted form absorbing and dispelling the liquid long before it reaches the parts necessary to cause an effect.

She's too close, her shoulder just brushing Pearls' arm, and the contact is more than Pearl can handle at the moment. She grunts in frustration, shifting away from the offending touch and trying to return to the freedom the smoke offered. But it's a futile attempt, her thoughts buzzing too much to truly focus, the bitter smell of the drink too strong against her senses.

"Can't knock it till you try it, P."

"I have no desire to try something that impedes the ability to function in such a way."

Besides, she doesn't need it. She has…

"Sure, because filling yourself with _that_ is so much better."

There's a sharp, bitter note to her voice, so strong and harsh the Pearl wonders if she truly is as affected by the drink as she had believed. Then her words register, and that clawing feeling intensifies. She understands what this is about, and the roll is crushed so strongly between her teeth that her tongue threatens to go numb with the sudden onslaught of the peppery substance.

"Did Garnet send you?"

Her voice sounds foreign to her ears, like she's hearing herself from underwater. The fact that she can somehow sound so bitter and cynical and yet so empty at the same time, frightens what little part of her that still insists on feeling.

"Nah, came over all on my own." Is it pride or apprehension in Amethyst's voice? Is she smug or is it just the drink? She isn't sure, and she can't understand why she still cares.

"Garnet's been weird, anyway."

"Weird?"

"She doesn't talk but she says too much," she rambles.

And that's all it is; rambling. Just words that tumble out and fall to the ground, and she doesn't want to hear, but she does, somehow.

"What do you want, Amethyst?"

She registers the sharp sigh of breath and her mind instantly brings forward her confrontation with their youngest counterpart. Amethyst's voice breaks in again before it can go too far, but the idea is there and it won't leave her easily.

"I dunno. It's my fault you're like this anyway, and I thought, maybe I should be the one doing something to fix it."

"There's nothing to fix. And this isn't…you didn't do anything?"

It's genuine confusion for a moment, but Amethyst won't look her in the eye and it's worrying to say the least. And all these feelings are too much and she just wants to float again and be numb. But the fire is out on the end of the reed and Amethyst won't look at her and why is it always _her_?

"Yeah I did," she mumbles, both of her hands clenching tightly around her empty glass. "I'm the one who showed you…just something quick and stupid humans did."

There's a clenching around her chest that has nothing to do with the smoke, but she doesn't have time to process it because Amethyst is still going.

"It was funny. It was funny but it's not anymore and I need you to stop Pearl! I need you to stop."

Is her face wet? It can't be, and she can't be crying, she can't because that would mean feeling and she can't she can't she can't stop she can't!

"I…"

"No! You can't be like this, I can't lose you like this! We need you P. _I_ need you. And Steven…."

 _Steven._

Something hard coils in her gut then, sharp and hot and intense, and it's enough to break through the emotions and remind her why she had started to do this in the first place. Why she couldn't do this. Her jaw clenches and she turns her head back to stare out at the mass of clouds.

"Where is he, anyway?"

"With Greg."

Of course. She should have known.

"Do….do you even care? Do you care about what you're doing at all?"

She did care. That was the problem. She was supposed to be just a pearl, but pearls didn't care about things. They didn't think their own thoughts or have dreams or ambitions. They didn't feel. They didn't love.

"It was raining like this when R-"

She chokes on the name, unable to bring herself to say it, to feel it, to open herself up to all that She had been. Instead she focuses on the rain, because, it was only fitting, wasn't it? It always rained for things like this.

"You're not the only one who misses her, you know."

No, but she was the only one who knew her. Truly knew her, and loved her like they hadn't. She was the only one who _missed_ her, in a raw, aching way that made it seem like her gem had been cracked, gouged out and replaced with something not quite real. She was alone in her grief in the same way she had been alone in her life. Alone in her love.

"You couldn't understand," she said lowly, picking absently at the paper thin roll in her hands.

"Oh, _I_ couldn't understand? She saved me, too. I understand plenty!"

"No," she says fiercely, the roll coming apart with the force of her fingers. "You don't! You're just a kindergarten gem, who couldn't possibly begin to understand what it's like!"

It doesn't register, in the silence her words bring, that she had been shouting. It doesn't register that some part of her must have genuinely felt that way, for it to sound just as harsh and open as it had. It doesn't register that the glass had been shattered against the wall, and that there are now miniscule slivers digging into her skin.

All that registers is Amethyst's sharp intake of breath, which doesn't lead to the overwhelming screech she had been expecting. Instead, it's a low and quiet rumble. Like an echo of thunder.

"And you're just a pearl, who's too stubborn for her own good."

She stands, brushing glass off of her hands like they hadn't dug into her as well.

"If you want to ruin yourself like this, that's fine by me. I don't care. Rose did, though. And I don't think she'd want this to be what _her_ _Pearl_ has become."

"Amethyst…"

But it's too late. Too late because she is already gone, and Pearl knows deep down that she was right. But it's too late even to be right. _She_ is too late to be sorry. She slumps weakly back to the floor, the glass shards digging even further into her form. She should find something to clean it up with, but there was something strangely grounding about the pain; even more grounding than then the smoke. And she knows these thoughts are dangerous but what more did she have to lose? She was already gone, why not just make it permanent?

It would be easy, a part of her whispers. It would be cowardice, another argues back. It would go against everything she had fought so hard to achieve; what Rose had fought to achieve. And she cared- stars damn her, but- she _cared_ too much to let that be her legacy. Not after everything they had been through. But it hurt. Caring hurt; feeling hurt too much and why couldn't she just have this? Why couldn't it go away?

"Please…."

Help.


	4. Float

**Hey guys! Sorry I've been a bit MIA. If you've checked out my latest SU one shot you'll understand why, but suffice it to say that things are a little rough right now. It's been easier to work on shorter stories like this or else just one shots in general, but I'm sorry for the delay in this story and any of my other stories.**

 **Anyway, to the fic! Thank you so much for all your reviews and favorites and follows. It really means a lot to see you enjoying, especially since I've never written for Steven Universe before. I think I might post one more follow up/epilogue type chapter, but we are heading towards the conclusion of 'Feel.'**

 **I do not own Steven Universe, or the comic this fic was inspired by. All rights go to Cartoon Network and Rebecca Sugar, as well as the respective author(s) of the comic.**

 ***Warnings for this chapter include angst, depression/dark thoughts/feelings, and mentions of smoking and withdrawal symptoms***

 **I hope you guys enjoy and thank you for bearing with me. I look forward to hearing what you think!**

 **\- Raven**

* * *

 _"_ _You'll do it to yourself…"_

It's dark.

 _"_ _Those things are bad for you! Pearl you…"_

It's cold.

 _"_ _Do you even care?"_

She can't breathe and there's a twisted instinctual panic as her body fights to inhale something that isn't there.

 _"_ _I need you!"_

I don't want to…

 _"_ _Please, Pearl…"_

I don't…

 _"_ _Just breathe already!"_

Here. I'm here...I'm….

 _My Pearl…why?_

"Pearl?"

* * *

She was…floating.

Floating like she had always dreamed of, floating in a way that not even the smoke had been able to provide. It was…nice. Calm. Just a simple pearl adrift in a simple ocean, the waves rolling gently beneath her. There was nothing else, just her and…and…there was something. She would have frowned if she was capable. But her body didn't even seem to exist wherever she was, just an endless void of…wait. Something.

 _…_ _earl?_

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe she couldn't breathe she shouldn't need air but she does and it hurts it hurts so much why does it _hurt?_

Pearl!

Drowning, drowning she was dying she was _burning_! It wasn't nitrogen, it wasn't flame it wasn't quite anything, just a raw searing burn that flooded her insides and left her craving death far more than she had before. She couldn't breathe, couldn't even think past the ache, past the pain past the _need._

 _Need._ She needed something. Needed it just as badly as she needed air, no. Never mind air, she needed this….What? She couldn't…couldn't….

Pearl!

Screaming. Screaming someone was….she was….she needed….she wanted to….why couldn't they just let her….die.

* * *

It's dark. It's dark and it's cold and wet. There's something itching….her face. She's itchy and it takes her a moment to realize that she can feel her body again. It hits her slowly, the heaviness of being whole, the strange tickling itch that she wants to reach but can't. She thinks she's breathing but she isn't sure.

And suddenly she is sure because the moment she takes a breath it seizes in her lungs, stabbing straight through her body and causing her to jerk with the force of the pain. The itching is gone but that doesn't matter because she can't breathe! She tries to be logical, to think and reason that she doesn't need air, but her body wants it, needs it, craves….it.

"Pearl!"

The voice is too loud, too loud and she wants to scold the gem responsible but the voice is wrong. Too high pitched to be Amethyst, too young to be Garnet. There's a part of her that knows, that aches and yearns, but the rest of her is too busy trying to remember how to breathe.

And then there's a warm body pressed against her, the familiar soft itchiness against her cheek. Something is squeezing her middle and instinct tells her to panic, to fight, to run, but the squeeze is too firm. Too secure. And her body is vibrating, a hum of sound rumbling through her body, and she is somehow able to feel the words. Hear them echoing at the back of her mind.

 _"_ _It's ok. It'll be ok, just breathe Pearl."_

I can't! There's no air! It's a foolish thought, but it comes through in another desperate gasp, and the squeezing is tight but not constricting. And familiar. She knows this touch, longs for it every day. But how….

 _"_ _Breathe, Pearl."_

It's an order. Orders must be followed or there will be consequences.

 _"_ _Breathe."_

It's a request. She wouldn't dare deny a request from…from….

 _"_ _Pearl."_

It's a plea, a desperate aching thing and she somehow finds herself leaning into the arms around her. Arms, with a soft warm body attached. A voice she knows and trusts. Loves. Oh, stars above, how she loves….

 _Steven_.

* * *

When her eyes open again she is alone, but it's ok. She knows how to be alone. She's lying down, flat on her back, but there is something soft beneath her head, and a warm feeling that hadn't been there before. She remembers it being dark, but if it had been so dark, why was it light now? She can't remember and there's a feeling of panic, and it is heightened at the sound of a soft rumble, just off to her left.

She looks, and there is a shape beside her on the couch. She wants to question why she's on the couch, but the shape is so familiar, so soft, so warm. She isn't alone, and the thought makes her feel…she isn't sure what just yet, but she's feeling again, and, ironically, isn't sure how she feels about that. She sits up, regretting it instantly as her head spins violently, a lurching spasm echoing deep inside her. Then she sees the other figure in the room, leaning against the kitchen counter in what could have been a casual pose. But she knows the other too well, and so she tenses, waiting for whatever is to come.

"He hasn't left your side since it started."

The words aren't what she'd been expecting, though the tone is. Cold, clipped, with a spark of anger underneath that doesn't diminish with the ice.

"Since what…started?"

Her voice is hoarse and it hurts to talk. Hurts to even breathe though she's somehow doing that, too. There's a shift in Garnet's expression, and she wishes she could see her eyes to know what that is, hating the subtlety, hated having to work it out for herself.

"The withdrawal."

And suddenly it hits her, and she's drowning again, her body trembling at the force of those two simple words. She can't breathe and she knows that she is breathing, can feel the air filling and leaving her, but there's something missing from it, something she needs so badly. She can't breathe without it, can't think. She can't feel, and she doesn't _want_ to feel. Please…

The couch dips beside her and suddenly there are tiny hands on the sides of her face, squeezing her cheeks and turning her head. Away from the waves, away from Garnet and the eyes that she knows are glaring at her beneath the visor. The eyes that meet hers are soft and brown, so familiar and full of love and pain. Pain that she's caused. And she feels it, she feels, she doesn't know what just that she is and she wants it to stop.

"It's ok, Pearl."

It's not, though! It's not ok, how can it be after what she'd done? How could he say that, how could he still care?

"It's gonna be ok. I promise."

He shouldn't be making these promises. She isn't worth it, she's just a pearl, just a worthless pearl who felt too much for anyone's good.

"Breathe."

His voice, so calm, so soothing. So wise beyond his years. His hands pressing against her face and keeping her focused on him. Only on him, because it was all about him, wasn't it? How could she have been so selfish? How could she have wanted to forget him?

Her breath hitches and it's only then that she realizes that he was crying, too, his eyes bright with tears, though none had yet to stream down his face as hers were. She gasps, and it hurts, and she feels, and that hurts too. It's too much all at once and she's let him down. She's failed him, she's failed Rose. But he's still there, still holding her and _feeling_ for her, and before she can quite understand how it happens she's in his arms. His hands don't quite reach around her, but they press comfortingly against her back, and he's singing something, the words a jumble but the music still audible, a warm breeze to chase away the dark of the smoke.

She meets Garnet's gaze over his shoulder and she knows. It's not enough. It's not nearly enough. But she can't afford to let it consume her. She knows this, even as her body still instinctively craves it, yearns for the silence and the peace that the smoke brings. It will take time. She knows this, too. And she's hurt them.

"I'm sorry."

She's hurt all of them.

"I'm so, so sorry."

But none more so than herself. It's a selfish thought, and there's a selfish solution. But she's already made it this far. And she's not alone. She could make it farther. For them. For herself. Most importantly, for the little boy who was still singing into her chest, who hadn't left her side even through everything she had put him through.

It still hurt. But if he was willing, then maybe she could be too. She could learn to feel again. She would learn.

For him. For Steven.


	5. Epilogue: Free

**Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long, had some stuff going on for a while, and then issues at work picked up, and I was dealing with family stuff. Anyway, long story short, I'm sorry for the delay, but I am back, and with the promised epilogue for this story. It's been an emotional ride for me writing this, but worth it, and I'm hoping you all agree and will enjoy.**

 **No warnings apply for this chapter. I do not own Steven Universe, those rights go to the wonderful Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network. I also do not own the comic this story was inspired by. All rights to their respective owners.**

 **Thanks for all your support and your reviews, and I hope you guys will enjoy this final chapter.**

 **\- Raven**

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She's on the beach, this time. There's a blanket spread out beneath her, a picnic basket she had prepared but hadn't dared unpack. Not yet, anyway. The umbrella is pink, because what other color would it be? And the sun is too bright, but it's fine because somehow, she'd let herself be talked into wearing sunglasses. The frame is a little too square for her liking, but she was trying to accept it.

The sand is creeping over the edge of the blanket, though, and when she moves to sweep it away the whole beach tips sideways. She almost tips with it, but then there are hands, catching her and keeping her upright, and a familiar flash of brown curls before his voice reaches her.

"Are you ok?"

And she breathes the salt air, blinks at the sun behind his head. Yes, she thinks, she's ok. She will be, as long as he is here.

"Is it too much?" he continues, worry and is that guilt? "We can go back inside if…"

"No."

Her voice isn't as hoarse but it still rasps uncomfortably. She clears her throat and tries again, and succeeds with a much clearer tone.

"No, Steven, I'm fine. I want to do this with you."

With all of you.

She smiles, and he does too, and then there's a whoop and a streak of purple as he and Amethyst race each other along the beach. Sand sprays in their wake and she feels her smile grow a bit more, something building in her chest. She panics briefly as memories threaten to resurface, but when it spills across her lips, it's a laugh, and nothing more.

A shadow falls over the blanket, the sun's angle splitting it and making it seem like there are two figures there above her. But when the shadow bends, it's one, and only one figure who sits on the blanket beside her. That ache is back in her chest, the hollow feeling of unspoken apologies, but there's a cut-off point, and she knows it. And it's not just the way the visor reflects the sun's light, coloring the lenses pink and blue in alternating splashes.

"It's not over yet."

She lowers her head, the picnic basket glaring at her in the wake of the other's words.

"I know."

And she does, she knows. It's going to take more than just a beach trip to make this right. But she had hoped….

"I do understand. But that doesn't change what's happened."

She draws a sharp breath, and it's so empty…it's just air, and there's still that burning _need_ inside. But she tries her best to stifle it, to breathe enough of the air to stammer out:

"I'm sorry."

Garnet doesn't answer, just looks out over the ocean to where Amethyst is splashing Steven in the form of a dolphin. Her mouth is a thin line, and there's a heavy, unspoken: I know, I'm sorry too, that does nothing to quell the churning in Pearl's gut.

But she straightens and forces another smile as Steven comes running up the beach towards them, and she sees Garnet's own frown change as well; that soft, special smile reserved only for their boy now on her face.

"Pearl," he cries excitedly, dripping salt water and sand, and she curls her feet away before they can be splashed. "The water is so warm! You should come in."

She glances again at the basket, hesitating as she contemplates the offer. Garnet is still beside her, still smiling at Steven, but she knows she is waiting for her answer too. She wants to…she had to, but….

"Maybe. In a little while."

It's a compromise, but it's enough for him, and he rushes back down to join Amethyst, who is back in her usual form, knee deep in wet sand and constructing what Pearl hopes is a sand castle.

"You should go down with them," she says, once Steven is out of range. "There's no need to stay up here." With me, goes without saying, but it's there and they both know it.

"In a little while," comes the response, and the flicker of hope is to sharp that it hurts, and she has to blink hard beneath her own lenses to keep the stray tears away.

"Garnet-"

But the words won't come, just tears, and the other gem shushes her softly, almost gently if she dared to believe it.

"I know."

And with those words, so many others, unsaid but still heard and felt deep inside. I know, and it'll be alright. I know, and I'm sorry. I know, and it's in the past.

Pearl leans in just enough that her shoulder brushes the other's, and though _she_ knows it's not forgotten, it's enough of a start that maybe, maybe it can be forgiven.

Garnet stands first, after a while, and Pearl looks up to find that the sun is well on its way to afternoon, and they'd been sitting for longer than she'd thought. Then she sees the pensive look she's being given, and though she can't see Garnet's eyes, she knows.

"It's time."

Pearl says nothing in response, but allows the gem to help her up. The picnic basket is clutched tightly in trembling hands, and it takes all of her willpower to remain on the beach, to not run and hide it all away again. She can't hide herself away, though, and she knows Garnet is right. Steven comes pattering up, his arms at his sides like wings, Amethyst actually flying above him; a bright purple seagull with a gemstone in its breast.

Garnet holds them back with an outstretched palm. "This is something she needs to do," she murmurs, though Pearl barely hears the words over the roar of the ocean.

It's only up to her ankles, and, as promised, is warm; but she shivers anyway. She wades out a little deeper, and tries not to think of drowning. Her earlier fantasies of letting the waves crash over her form seem much more terrifying here, the basket leaving imprints on her palms. She's almost past her knees, now, and she stops, hesitating. It should be deep enough, and yet….

She glances over her shoulder, and sees Steven, his brows furrowed, concern and fear and doubt all there in his eyes. Amethyst, just as worried, her hands clenched into fists at her sides, the wind whipping her hair violently about her face. Garnet, calm and still, a hand on each of their shoulders as she stares back. A firm, encouraging nod.

She turns back, and wades further, feeling the pull of the tide as the waves crash at her waist. Sand and shells crunch under feet here, and the air is damp with the ocean as she breathes the spray. She stands, and waits, the basket bumping against her chest with each ripple of the water around her. There's a wave, finally, and she lets the basket go as it swells, feeling it rip free of her hands as the wave slams down.

It crashes over her and she is almost dragged away under the current. It's not drowning, though, not this time. It's cleansing, freeing, in its weight. The tide pulls at her, but she doesn't let it reach her. She stands, pushing her way back to the shore with a smile on her face and the shouts of her name in her ears. A towel is wrapped around her, though she doesn't bother to question how or when it had been grabbed.

"Pearl? Are you ok?"

She looks down, Steven gripping her hand tightly with one of his, his eyes bright as he peers up at her through soggy curls. She never wants to let go of this again, and she won't. She won't lose this.

"I'm fine."

It wasn't quite perfect, she knew. It would still take time. But she was here; she'd made it this far. As long as she had them; as long as she had him, she would be. Just fine.

* * *

 **Well, there it is. My first completed fan fic, and my first full length Steven Universe fic. I hope you all enjoyed this story and will continue to enjoy. If you've liked this, check out my other Steven Universe one shot, Boil.**

 **I also will have another full length Steven Universe fic coming up shortly for you. I am currently working on three separate full length fics.**

 **'Crystal', a series of one shots/drabbles about what it means to be a Crystal Gem.**

 **'Falling together', which will be an AU origin story, focusing on Garnet and how she came to be part of the Crystal Gems, and**

 **'People take Weird Pictures', which is a slight AU Jasper and Lapis story and explores the nature of their relationship/fusion.**

 **To avoid falling into writer's block and risk not finishing, I will only be publishing one at a time, and won't publish the other until the fic is complete.** **My request for you guys, if you're interested and want to read either of those, review and let me know! Whichever fic gets the most votes, I will start publishing for you guys.**

 **Thank you again for your interest in my story, Feel, and I look forward to hearing from you all soon!**

 **\- Raven**


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